:Put it in a bubble, and then blow it away:

each day  brings experience.

with each experience brings steps needed for me to approach maturity, a woman of wisdom and insight.

but why is it that each day with you, each experience with you brings me into a fit of schoolgirl giddiness.

but you never see it.

i supress it within this concrete shell. our history came with tears and confusion, and i don’t know how many times i would like to crack open my exterior, let my giggles becomes chimes in the air, be at ease to hug you, and just breathe.

only to have me try to piece together my armour, in defeat, in failure of reading this symbiosis of sorts, to just be something momentary and fleeting.

with each cameo you make in my life, a great love follows. maybe deep down inside, i wish you would be that double role. but i won’t dare ask.

i love you but i will never tell you.

i love you but i will never openly admit it.

so until then, i will let you believe that my awkward movements of trying to supress the energy inward wanting to expand outward, be seemingly cold and of conceit.

because i don’t know if i want to put myself up for stakes again.

alfie

Dear alfie,

Stop.

It has been brought to my attention that you are once again, self-doubting yourself.

Stop.

That the current personal trend of laying in bed, second-guessing decisions, asking God “why? why?” and “how? how?” has once again taken it’s course.

Stop.

That you are unconsciously sabotaging yourself by not saying “yes” to certaining things,

Stop

by not saying “no” to certain things,

Stop.

by not demanding time for yourself,

Stop.

by not resting and allowing yourself to recooperate,

Stop.

by letting external factors such as lack of time and money effect you on a grander scale,

Stop.

by not letting your heart feel and allowing her to get to know other people because you are scared to get hurt but you won’t admit it,

Stop.

 that you are not believing in your Self when Self says “take my hand. let’s jump.”

Stop.

Remember why you are here, for all that is around you-  your art, your design, your writings, your friends, your family, your events, your home, your belongings, your allies – are manifested by you.

Stop.

There is a reason why people turn to you.

Stop.

And that they want to continue to work with you and for you.

Stop.

That they rely so much on you, because they trust you and your abilities, your skills.

Stop.

so why cant you trust yourself?

Stop.

Sincerely,

Stop.

alfie 

Why do you work harder during times of drama and melancholy? You must have a penchant for pain. I on the other hand am human so I have a threshold of it.

While cardio-training on ellipticals today, you were less motivated. I thought I can blame it on the heat, or that maybe I didn’t have my iPod with me.

But I thought back at how we would train for our very first marathon to Portishead.  Who would have thought that my heart would work more efficiently during the times when it is broken?

It was therapeutic. I agree. With each mile we ran, we expunged him more and more. We found epiphanies every Saturday by the Venice shore.

And here we are, actually content about life and I can’t even get you to endure 40 mins on the ellipticals in a climate-controlled gym.

And stop getting wistful every time I decide to put on Sia on the player. Come on now. You can’t rely on shirt-clutching pain to remind yourself that you exist. You can’t always use broken past relationships to paint a good piece, or to perform a dope poem. Or to train for the marathon. Unrequited love makes great art but fuck, its getting old really fast.

It’s like you are exhibiting signs of Stockholm Syndrome. Stop relating to your captors.

You are not a wishy-washy fucktard who has a disregard of people’s feelings.
You are not a person who has no clue what to do with Love.
You are not so lonely that you will grab a relationship just so you feel wanted.
Nor are you a delusional dumbass who thinks everybody is out to get her so you selfishly take and take and take and then hurt people first before they hurt you.
You are not unsure about your sexuality.

So stop relating to them, thinking that your heart speaks to theirs. That there is a connection that transcends all the crap they put you through.

I need you to be aligned with the thought of being healed and mended. I need you to up the ante and be open- open to the possibilities, open to the creativity, open to being overflowing with love.

Cuz this whiny wistful “give me a reason to love you” crap is so 2007.

Knuckle up and let’s do this.

Love,
alfie

i always know when my next great love is coming, simply because of your cameos in my life.

we always seem to find each other in between relationships.

“you and i have this history,” you’d always say.

well, others also say “history is doomed to repeat itself.”

and i am not sure if i want that. i’m not sure i want that momentary disregard of accountability only to lead into a morning of long goodbye’s with a much longer absence in each other’s life. i don’t know if i want to love you to death, and then find love dying. i don’t know if i want to repeat the long internal talks with God asking why He keeps you coming back in my life.

and though our meetings are never the same, with one night laying in each other’s arms, or those awkward “hello’s”, it always repeat- that with each meeting comes love from a different heart.

as much as i once was in love with you, and as much as i once hate you, i still think about you. and i still think about you wishing you the best.

with time brought maturity and i believe, in fact i know, i appreciate who you are in my life- a reminder of connection between two people. a silent understanding. a head-nod and a smile.

know that i have your back as much as you have mine.

safe journeys,

alfie